Causes Of Marital Violence

June 10,2013 AS uncanny as it sounded, he recounted the ugly story of how his wife used to assault him. He was a victim of marital violence. The signs were evident for any doubting Thomas to see. His eyes were bloody and his face showed rough scratches. Next, he unbuttoned his sleeves and displayed wounds in both arms. According to him, all these were proofs of marital violence. Most of us are familiar with one form of marital violence. The type whereby husbands (males) are the oppressors while their wives (females) are victims or the oppressed. We are familiar with wife beaters or batterers. But what of husband beaters or batterers? Marital violence is also known as spousal, family, domestic or intimate partner abuse. The violence can be verbal or non-verbal. Females may be more guilty of the former while males are more prone towards the latter. It is defined as a consistent pattern of abusive behaviours by one or both partners in the marriage relationship. Examples of non-verbal violence include; hitting, kicking, biting, shoving, restraining, slapping, throwing objects at. Other manifestations of non-verbal marital violence include, sexual abuse, intimidating, domineering and controlling behaviours against one’s partner. Verbal violence manifests in the form of threats, curses, abuses, nagging and other forms of verbal provocations. Marital violence is a pathetic and troublesome malady. What turns love into acidic hatred? What causes affiliation, affirmation and affection to become crude poison? What provokes someone to hate and punish one part of his/her own body? Why does sweetness turn around and become sourness? What turns a caring and loving partner into a ferocious beast? Why become violent and harbour intensive destructive tendencies towards one’s partner? Lack of self-control is one major cause of spousal abuse. It is virtually impossible for a couple to live together day and night for years without provoking or offending each other. Yet, love demands that the hurt or offended partner bears and forbears. One must be ready to bring oneself under control by counting the cost of indiscipline. It is terribly wrong for the two partners to become offenders or insane at the same time. A childhood friend of mine’s immediate younger sister’s sibling rivalry was so intense that she became a daily thorn in his flesh. However, their disciplinarian father forced my friend never to raise his hand against her without first reporting the grievances to him. Failure to abide by this rule attracted heavy punishment in spite of the righteous stand one had. Though it was a torturous experience, that measure permanently dealt with the issue of raising hands against a woman in his life. Of course, some of us didn’t have the privilege of such paternal discipline. We will therefore have to enforce it personally. No doubt, ignorance is a major cause of spousal violence. Most people enter the marriage relationship with a heavy dose of ignorance or at best, half-truths on many issues. Many are ignorant of theirs’ and their partners’ character weaknesses, temperaments, idiosyncrasies, mindsets and worldviews. Many others desire that their partners become a clone of themselves. They fail to understand that unity isn’t the same as uniformity and that variety is more beautiful than monotony. Ignorance of these issues tends to cause strife in the relationship which can deteriorate to violence. Mortals are spiritual, mental as well as social beings. Negative socialization can predispose people to spousal violence. First from the point of view of family history. Children raised in violent homes are more likely to repeat the cycle in their own marriages than those raised in non-violent homes. This occurs through the process of socialization and vicarious learning and not necessarily through genetic inheritance. Again, keeping company with spousal batterers will likely influence people to engage in the dastard act. It is true that evil companionship corrupts good manners. A third socializing influence towards marital violence is the media apparatus. Societies that promote spousal abuse through the electronic and print media contribute significantly towards the growth of this malady. The role of the media is so crucial in determining the type of homes we build in our societies that we can attribute a significant percentage of cases of marital violence to them. This understanding becomes clearer when we consider the concrete ways and means the media influences every age group in our society. Remember the daily newspapers, periodicals, magazines, and journals, novels, plays, poetry, films, dramas, operas, Internet, phones and DSTV. What is the prevailing and predominant message of the global media? Do they promote the sanctity and sanity of marriage or its’ devastation and destruction? Not only do they promote the latter, but also glamourise it. The hardship and hazardous milieu of this season also tends to promote spousal violence. Many breadwinners have become bread losers. Many providers have been reduced to helpless dependants. Roles have so much been demystified and demeaned, misused and misappropriated, and abandoned that several homes today are fed by abused children. Many wives are bitter against their financially liability husbands. Some of these wives have so nagged their husbands that presently, they have began to use their fists to hit the men to see if these men can be aroused to some profitable actions. Others have resorted to marital infidelity because they can no longer bear the weeping and wailing of their children. Yet there is no respite in view. Failure to achieve, frustration and feebleness can predispose others to marital violence. This is a case of misplaced aggression. The inability to handle the oppression and opposition in the office or business, inability to stand up to the aggressive forces in the market place or the selfish capitalist tendencies of human organizations in our contemporary world can make some degenerate into marital violence as a form of catharsis (letting off steam). We all are products of peculiar mindsets. A mindset which views women as necessary evils or the source of sorrow, cannot escape from the practice of marital abuse. Or one who sees women as part of a man’s property or possession is already a fertile ground for violence. Also women who view men as being violent, mean or oppressive are already predisposed to vengeance behaviours. Of course, martial violence can be a product of an insane mind. It can be momentary as caused by alcoholism or indulgence in other drugs. Marital abuse resulting from a history of neurosis or psychosis is the source of immense trauma since the victim will need prolonged attention. Consequently the partner of such a oppressor will need specialist attention in order to cope with the problem. In examining the causes of marital violence, it is important to note that some causes are simply reactionary behaviours or acts of vengeance against the partners’ behaviours. A typical example is the story we began with. The wife of that man after seven years of assuming the role of a breadwinner and suffering ingratitude and pungent verbal abuse from an indulgent and insolent husband, decided to fight for personal survival. While condemning her for her intransigency and undisciplined behaviour towards her husband, the man isn’t less guilty. Marriage is a sacred institution that needs two healthy minds to make success out of it. Where one fails, the other should hold him or her up. The two shouldn’t fail at the same time. We consider the consequences before discussing how to handle marital violence.